Credits: northerbansh Real talk—most relationship problems are because men and women don’t understand each other. They don’t “get” that men and women are completely different in relationships—their reactions, behaviors and needs are not the same. So before you start yelling at your man, take a minute and read these 10 things men really want you to know, written with the help of Herb Goldberg’s (he’s a genius) book, What Men Really Want.
A man cannot completely fulfill a woman’s every need. That’s right, you heard me. Goldberg says the greater a woman’s needs for closeness, reassurance, security or fulfillment, the greater the anger and frustration that will develop over the man’s supposed insensitivity, selfishness and inability to be close. Similarly, anger will build in him for being held responsible and blamed for what he feels is unfair and untrue.
According to Goldberg, when a woman’s intimacy needs are particularly intense, this pushes the man even further away. All he wants to do is get away, and before you know it he becomes the stereotype of the detached, cold and insensitive man.
Goldberg says to relate to men realistically means knowing what needs they CAN and what needs they CANNOT fulfill; what needs stem from feminine insecurity; and how relationship pressures on a man polarize him and trigger his defensive relationship behavior.
Bottom line: Don’t rely on your man to “fill” you up. As John Gray, the renowned relationship expert says, you should be “filled” 90 percent in your life (through family, friends, hobbies, love for others) and should only depend on your man to be your “dessert” or to fill the last 10 percent of your needs.
Men do not hurt women intentionally. I already feel shoes and other objects being thrown at the computer screen. Ouch! But listen seriously, Goldberg says just as women find themselves turning on a man in anger because they feel their needs are not being met by their partner, men are provoked and become hurtful (to women) because they are not wired to respond to the demands and pressures women place on them (to fulfill their every need).
According to Goldberg, relating to a man realistically means acknowledging that men do not enter love relationships with an intention or desire to be hurtful and that abusive behavior is a symptom of a sick relationship, not of a selfish, destructive man.
Bottom-line: If your man is being an a** by all means call him out! But don’t force your man to meet your every need and freak out on him when he cannot.
Men cannot make women feel good about themselves in a relationship. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat (10 times). Goldberg says a woman with low self esteem will eventually experience her partner as being critical, unsupportive and unappreciative of her worth and contributions to their relationship. These feelings, says Goldberg, are a product of a woman’s deeper anxieties about her self worth, and this promotes a negative response in the man who feels pressured to reassure her that he appreciates and loves her.
Bottom-line: When you are truly confident and feel worthy, you’re relationship is guaranteed to be a good one. Not only will you treat yourself better, others will treat you with that same respect and love.
A woman’s intense personal focus and the giving herself over to the relationship, at the expense of her separate identity and boundaries, is damaging and polarizing. Godberg says this causes women to see themselves as more giving and loving than the man, and it causes the man to be perceived as self-centered and unappreciative of her worth.
However, according to Goldberg, men are at their loving best when stimulated and challenged by a woman who does not accommodate and “sacrifice” herself to the relationship even though a man may complain when a woman does not make herself readily available, or fails to make his needs her central focus (please re-read this, it is very important).
Goldberg says, this is part of a man’s unconscious testing process (a man will test you in many ways unconsciously—to see what “kind” of a woman you are) and power struggle in the relationship. Although men may “try” to control their partner, men respond badly if they succeed (if for example he tells you he likes it when women can see him on a moment’s notice or he likes it when women are intimate with him right away, and the woman listens, you will find that he will treat this woman badly because deep down he KNOWS she is easily manipulated by ANY man and is not a woman of worth and virtue). Please re-read this entire part, it is super important.
Goldberg says men lose interest in the women who lose their identities in a relationship, but remain connected to and stimulated by the woman who keeps her boundaries and maintains a strong, separate identity (re-read and internalize please).
According to Goldberg, relating to men realistically means recognizing that a woman’s intense relationship involvement and focus is self destructive and destructive to the relationship. Her self-sacrifice to the relationship, Goldberg says, is an unconscious compulsion that is not experienced as love by the man, which is why it produces a negative and abusive response from him.
Bottom-line: Please re-read this entire part until you “really” get it.
Men show love and caring the way they have been taught to. What they don’t show, they can’t show or never learned. Goldberg says men express love and intimacy primarily by “doing for” rather than by the expression of emotion and personal closeness. Goldberg says men are polarized when these expressions of love are seen by the woman as forms of avoiding closeness.
According to Goldberg, relating to a man realistically therefore means acknowledging that although his love is expressed differently than a woman’s, it is no less meaningful, real or intense.
Bottom-line: When your man fixes your computer, paints your bedroom or shovels your driveway, etc. it is an expression of his love. Appreciate these things your man does for you and see them as acts of love.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's blog post, which will feature the next 5 things men want you to know.
A man cannot completely fulfill a woman’s every need. That’s right, you heard me. Goldberg says the greater a woman’s needs for closeness, reassurance, security or fulfillment, the greater the anger and frustration that will develop over the man’s supposed insensitivity, selfishness and inability to be close. Similarly, anger will build in him for being held responsible and blamed for what he feels is unfair and untrue.
According to Goldberg, when a woman’s intimacy needs are particularly intense, this pushes the man even further away. All he wants to do is get away, and before you know it he becomes the stereotype of the detached, cold and insensitive man.
Goldberg says to relate to men realistically means knowing what needs they CAN and what needs they CANNOT fulfill; what needs stem from feminine insecurity; and how relationship pressures on a man polarize him and trigger his defensive relationship behavior.
Bottom line: Don’t rely on your man to “fill” you up. As John Gray, the renowned relationship expert says, you should be “filled” 90 percent in your life (through family, friends, hobbies, love for others) and should only depend on your man to be your “dessert” or to fill the last 10 percent of your needs.
Men do not hurt women intentionally. I already feel shoes and other objects being thrown at the computer screen. Ouch! But listen seriously, Goldberg says just as women find themselves turning on a man in anger because they feel their needs are not being met by their partner, men are provoked and become hurtful (to women) because they are not wired to respond to the demands and pressures women place on them (to fulfill their every need).
According to Goldberg, relating to a man realistically means acknowledging that men do not enter love relationships with an intention or desire to be hurtful and that abusive behavior is a symptom of a sick relationship, not of a selfish, destructive man.
Bottom-line: If your man is being an a** by all means call him out! But don’t force your man to meet your every need and freak out on him when he cannot.
Men cannot make women feel good about themselves in a relationship. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat (10 times). Goldberg says a woman with low self esteem will eventually experience her partner as being critical, unsupportive and unappreciative of her worth and contributions to their relationship. These feelings, says Goldberg, are a product of a woman’s deeper anxieties about her self worth, and this promotes a negative response in the man who feels pressured to reassure her that he appreciates and loves her.
Bottom-line: When you are truly confident and feel worthy, you’re relationship is guaranteed to be a good one. Not only will you treat yourself better, others will treat you with that same respect and love.
A woman’s intense personal focus and the giving herself over to the relationship, at the expense of her separate identity and boundaries, is damaging and polarizing. Godberg says this causes women to see themselves as more giving and loving than the man, and it causes the man to be perceived as self-centered and unappreciative of her worth.
However, according to Goldberg, men are at their loving best when stimulated and challenged by a woman who does not accommodate and “sacrifice” herself to the relationship even though a man may complain when a woman does not make herself readily available, or fails to make his needs her central focus (please re-read this, it is very important).
Goldberg says, this is part of a man’s unconscious testing process (a man will test you in many ways unconsciously—to see what “kind” of a woman you are) and power struggle in the relationship. Although men may “try” to control their partner, men respond badly if they succeed (if for example he tells you he likes it when women can see him on a moment’s notice or he likes it when women are intimate with him right away, and the woman listens, you will find that he will treat this woman badly because deep down he KNOWS she is easily manipulated by ANY man and is not a woman of worth and virtue). Please re-read this entire part, it is super important.
Goldberg says men lose interest in the women who lose their identities in a relationship, but remain connected to and stimulated by the woman who keeps her boundaries and maintains a strong, separate identity (re-read and internalize please).
According to Goldberg, relating to men realistically means recognizing that a woman’s intense relationship involvement and focus is self destructive and destructive to the relationship. Her self-sacrifice to the relationship, Goldberg says, is an unconscious compulsion that is not experienced as love by the man, which is why it produces a negative and abusive response from him.
Bottom-line: Please re-read this entire part until you “really” get it.
Men show love and caring the way they have been taught to. What they don’t show, they can’t show or never learned. Goldberg says men express love and intimacy primarily by “doing for” rather than by the expression of emotion and personal closeness. Goldberg says men are polarized when these expressions of love are seen by the woman as forms of avoiding closeness.
According to Goldberg, relating to a man realistically therefore means acknowledging that although his love is expressed differently than a woman’s, it is no less meaningful, real or intense.
Bottom-line: When your man fixes your computer, paints your bedroom or shovels your driveway, etc. it is an expression of his love. Appreciate these things your man does for you and see them as acts of love.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's blog post, which will feature the next 5 things men want you to know.
